


A Step You Can't Take Back

by ILLC



Category: BTOB
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2019-01-19
Packaged: 2019-09-24 15:20:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17103071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILLC/pseuds/ILLC
Summary: Here comes the train upon the trackAnd there goes the pain, it cuts to blackAre you ready for the last act?To take a step you can't take back?





	1. Drift Away

It was pouring outside. The thunder roaring outrageously as if there’s no tomorrow. The cold wind is seeping through the broken window glass caused by the rage of a broken man. There are droplets of blood on the floor and a sob that can be heard in the entire room.

“Hyunsik, please.. just.. just listen to me.. please..” Ilhoon is holding his wounded arm near his chest trying to stop the blood. His voice is shaking, his mind is in chaos. He can’t remember what really happened. He tried to compose himself, tried his best to come up with an explanation but even he, don’t understand how it all ended up like this.

The night before that, Ilhoon accidentally bumped to a young man in the studio. It was a rare occurrence to see him in the company building since the man is busy filming drama and variety show. But Ilhoon thought he might be free for the day so he asked him if they can catch up with few drinks. Surprisingly, the man didn’t hesitate and agreed immediately to the other’s invitation. They’ve taken Ilhoon’s car and arrived at the bar in no time. They went to the bar which Ilhoon frequently visits. The staff knows him well, knows what he will order, Single Malt Whisky his favorite. They know where he will sit and they know that he’s always alone. But tonight is different. He’s with someone else. This time, he’s with someone popular too and probably more popular than him. It’s Yook Sungjae.

Everyone knows them as they belong to one group and that they are close friends. But not everyone knows the truth in their past. Ilhoon and Sungjae were pretty close then, on and off cam. They’re always together wherever the group go. They have a lot of intimate conversations about life and other things. It came to a point where Sungjae developed deep feelings for Ilhoon. He confessed to him, but Ilhoon just can’t return the love. He can only see Sungjae as a brother. It had hurt the younger and decided to move on but he can’t deny the fact that he still have the same feelings even after 7 years.

They entered the bar with Sungjae’s arm on Ilhoon’s shoulder. They ordered Ilhoon’s favorite, which the waiters know too but kind of expected something different since he’s with someone new. Yes, someone new. It’s not the first time Ilhoon visited the bar with someone. A month ago he celebrated a somewhat special day in the same bar with a different man. He is much shorter and his skin is darker than Sungjae. The short man has a bright smile and small eyes. He always sit too close to Ilhoon and always whisper to his ear which will earn giggles from the younger. The staff knows him too, he’s Im Hyunsik.

Ilhoon and Sungjae settled in his favorite spot. It’s the booth in the corner, far from the dancefloor and other booths. The bar is dark and the music is loud, playing the most current songs in and out of Korea. There are few small flickering lights on the wall but not bright enough to see what’s happening inside the booth. That’s why Ilhoon loves this spot. It gives him more privacy without worrying about other people’s judging eyes. Both men have low tolerance when it comes to alcohol specially Ilhoon. Ilhoon knows that. Most of the time he controls his alcohol, but today is different. A lot of things are bogging his mind. He just wanted to drown himself in alcohol and forget everything. The remaining alcohol is halfway through when Ilhoon opened up to Sungjae his worries and his insecurities. He feels that he’s not doing enough for his lover, Hyunsik. He’s getting tired of hiding too and the situation only makes him feel helpless.

Sungjae just listened to Ilhoon while filling up the older’s glass every time it takes a shot. He too, wants to drown himself in alcohol. Ilhoon sharing his problem about his relationship with Hyunsik is just too much for him but he can’t let the other drink alone. He loved him and he believes he still do. He will still give everything to him only if he asks. He’s ready to leave everything behind including his successful career just to be with him. But he perfectly knows that will never happen. Ilhoon’s heart belongs to one person only and he can’t hate him for that. Hyunsik is a good person. He knows how Hyunsik loves Ilhoon too. His heart just won’t listen to him and he can’t stop loving him even if it knows he can only love him from afar.

Soon enough they emptied the bottle they ordered and both men are drunk. Ilhoon’s world is turning. Everything seemed to move so fast. He can’t get a grip of what’s happening. There’s a painful lump in his throat, his chest is burning and his tears keep on falling. His frustration is eating him up. He managed to rest his throbbing head on the other man’s shoulder while whispering a different name.

Sungjae might be drunk but not as much as Ilhoon. He still managed to call their manager to drop them in Ilhoon’s apartment. The older’s apartment is nearer to the bar that’s why he decided to just drop him there and he’ll leave once he settled Ilhoon. But things don’t always go as planned.

As soon as they arrived, Ilhoon started to throw up. He ruined his clothes and created a mess in his living room which Sungjae had to clean up later. The older man keeps calling out Hyunsik’s name. He even went as far as drunk-calling the man. He will call the number but after few rings he’ll hang up. He went on with this a couple of times while Sungjae is trying to clean everything. He just stopped when Sungjae carried him to his room and threw him in his bed.

Sungjae have never been this tired his whole life. He never thought taking care of drunk Ilhoon is this tough. He planned to leave Ilhoon once he finished cleaning up but upon seeing the older’s state he decided to stay for a while until Ilhoon is sober. He noticed that Ilhoon’s clothes is stained of his own vomit and he hesitated whether he should strip the older. It feels wrong for him, but did it anyway. He carefully removed Ilhoon’s top. His body is still divine, he thought. His eyes linger in Ilhoon’s slightly opened lips. How sweet it could be if he put his own lips to it. His eyes traveled to the other’s neck and imagined leaving kiss marks in there. He stared at it for a while before traveling downwards to the older’s chest tattoo, to its little nipples, then its belly and his eyes keep wandering further down. He tried to fight the urge to touch the older.

He doesn’t want to take advantage of Ilhoon’s state but his desire is stronger than his judgment. He touched Ilhoon’s lips with his thumb, traced its perfect shape, then pulled the lower lip down and placed his own to the other’s lips. It’s warm, sweet and bitter. Just like how he’s feeling now. He had finally reached this moment where he can take Ilhoon all by himself. For one night, he can say Ilhoon is his. For one night, he will make himself believe that the other can love him. For one night, just for one night.

But no matter how sweet it could be, in the end the bitterness will still linger. The bitterness of the truth that this is all a make believe. The bitterness that once the man he loves wakes up, all his fantasies will vanish and his world will start to crumble again even before it’s completely built. He wanted to scream but all he did is cry while hugging the other man. His desire can never replace the love and respect he has for Ilhoon. At the same moment, his consciousness and desire drifted away.


	2. Just The Same

As Hyunsik checked his phone he’s surprised to see 10 missed calls from Ilhoon. He got worried right away as he haven’t received any message or calls from Ilhoon since that day Ilhoon told him that he needed space from their relationship. He can still remember clearly how Ilhoon dropped everything in his face. Everything was so sudden.

They celebrated their 5th anniversary at the bar where they frequently drink. They enjoyed their favorite drink, Single Malt Whisky. Just like before, they’re in the same hidden spot at the corner. A bottle of alcohol, hands settled on each other’s thigh, sometimes intertwined. Stories, laughter and whispers fill the night, soon it’s time to leave but both knows that the night is young. The couple went to the younger’s apartment to spend the rest of the night alone in their secret world. As soon as they entered, desire took over their bodies. Ilhoon pushed Hyunsik against the wall showering him with little kisses at first then he savored his lips and soon found his way inside the older’s mouth. They taste the bitterness of the alcohol, their tongues played inside each other’s mouth. Hands reaching the most desired places in their body. Hyunsik carried Ilhoon in his arms, their lips never parting. He settled Ilhoon in the couch and began to remove the younger’s clothes. Ilhoon’s skin is so clear and soft. He looks so divine naked. Hyunsik stared at him as if this is the first time he’d seen this body. He’ll never get tired to look at it.

Ilhoon let out a little laugh when he noticed Hyunsik staring at his body. “Are you just going to stare at me? I thought you want to fuck the hell out me. Pfft.” Ilhoon teased. “Of course I will.” Hyunsik whispered in his ears and began to strip as well.

Hyunsik’s lips found its way to Ilhoon’s neck gaining moans from the younger while his hands roam in its body, his fingers playing the little nipples of the man. He can feel Ilhoon’s dick getting hard in every touch he made just like his own. His kisses went further down to Ilhoon’s chest and stomach then finally, his most desired part. He licked the tip of Ilhoon’s dick, which is so wet of pre-cum.

“Hyung.. don’t tease me anymore. Just fuck me please.” Ilhoon pleaded.

“Someone’s so impatient tonight.” Hyunsik smirked.

He stood up and went to the nearby drawer where they kept their toys and lubricant. He applied an ample amount of lubricant to his finger. If he’s going to fuck the hell out of Ilhoon, he should still be careful not to hurt the younger with his carelessness.

“Can you get on all fours? Hyunsik asked.

“Of course I can.” Ilhoon answered smirking. “Hurry my ass has been waiting for too long.” Ilhoon get on all fours, even wiggled his ass to tease the older. Hyunsik laughed at Ilhoon’s wit and spanked the younger. “Ahhh Hyung!” Ilhoon’s cry which is more like a moan.

Hyunsik prepared Ilhoon quickly, inserting one finger to his lover’s butthole then soon followed by the second finger. “Hmm. You’re so tight babe.” Hyunsik moaned to Ilhoon’s ear. Ilhoon shivered at Hyunsik’s words. He can feel Hyunsik’s fingers encircling his inside. The sweat started to build all over his body. He doesn’t remember turning on the heater but he feels so hot right now. While Hyunsik’s left hand is busy with Ilhoon’s hole his right hand reached the younger’s member and starts stroking it. Ilhoon is completely turned on, he keeps moaning, his hands clutching the headrest of the couch but foreplay is not enough for him. The young man can’t wait any longer, he starts to push his ass to Hyunsik which the latter took as a signal to proceed further. Hyunsik grabbed the bottle again and applied a handful amount of lubricant in his dick. He thrusted slowly at first but he knows the younger won’t settle for slow sex now. He soon started thrusting faster, deeper. Ilhoon screamed, surprised by the sudden fast pace. He’s moaning and calling out Hyunsik’s name. The older loves hearing how pleased his lover is. Just by hearing his name coming out lustfully from the other’s mouth can make his dick twitch even more. It didn’t help that the younger’s asshole is really tight. He can come right away but managed to control it. He slowly removed his dick and flipped Ilhoon to face him. They’re still catching breath when he carried Ilhoon in his arms once again and they shifted to the bedroom. He laid Ilhoon in bed and began kissing him sweetly. He whispers how much he loves him and how he wanted to stay like this forever. Ilhoon answered back that he loves him too. The sex they just had a while ago turned into making love. This time Hyunsik wanted it to be more romantic and sweet. He slowly planted kisses all over the younger’s body. Ilhoon understood what Hyunsik wants. He savored every kiss Hyunsik gave him. The older placed a pillow under Ilhoon’s lower back to make a better angle. He held Ilhoon’s thigh and eases the tip of his dick once again into his lover’s hole and slowly pushed it inside. It is not something new to Ilhoon, he just had the same dick a minute ago but he can’t understand how Hyunsik can make him feel a brand new feeling each time.

“Hyunsik, you feel good.. amazing rather.” Those words satisfied Hyunsik.

“You make me feel great too Ilhoonie. I love you.” And he thrusted even more filling the hunger they have for each other. The bed shakes continuously, the headboard banging on the wall, his body’s sinking deep into the mattress in every thrust Hyunsik makes. Ilhoon made a mental note to buy a new mattress and check the wall paint after this. Both men are nearing their release. Hyunsik stroked Ilhoon’s dick while he’s fucking him hard at the same time. It didn’t take long for them to finally come. Hyunsik released his seed inside his lover while the younger came to his hand. Hyunsik settled beside Ilhoon while cuddling him, not minding how sticky their bodies are. Soon, the lovers drifted to sleep.

Ilhoon is awaken by the ray of sun peeking from the window. His body is tired from the sex they just had the night before and the sunlight is hurting his still sleepy eyes so he wanted to fix the curtain. But the weight of the man beside him prevented him to move. Hyunsik is still cuddling him. Its arm placed on top of his chest. His lover is sleeping peacefully and he can hear the snores of his partner coming out from its slightly parted lips.

“Hyunsik Hyung is cute” he thought. He decided not to move anymore and just wait for Hyunsik to wake up. He cupped his lover’s face, adoring every detail. From his manly eyebrow, his long lashes, the perfectly shaped nose, the lips which only whispers sweet things to him. He loves every inch of Im Hyunsik.

But life is not perfect. They live in a cruel world where homosexuality is not fully accepted. Where people like them always earn judging eyes from other people. It is a difficult relationship. Apart from this, he’s also battling internal issues such as his insecurities. Sometimes, love just ain’t enough, he thought. He wanted to break away, he wanted to find himself. His mind can’t seem to settle on what he has now. He has strong desire for a lot of things. But doing so might require him to be away from his lover for long. Doing so might hurt his love. Doing so might break them apart. He’s scared to be alone, but he thought it’s scarier not to find the meaning of your life. He’s been thinking about it for weeks or months already but he can’t find the right words to say. He doesn’t know where to begin or whether it’s the right thing to do. He didn’t notice his tears fell to Hyunsik’s face which woke the older.

Hyunsik woke up to Ilhoon’s sad eyes staring straight at him. His mind can’t process it at first. He thought he’s still dreaming but when he finally gained alertness, he realized Ilhoon is really staring at him looking so sad. He’s never seen Ilhoon like that before.

“What’s the problem Ilhoonie?” Hyunsik asked worriedly.

“Hyung, let’s stop for a while” the only words Ilhoon managed to come up after contemplating for a long time.

Hyunsik can’t understand. He’s thinking it might be a joke but ilhoon won’t be joking this early. Last night was perfect, what happened? Did he do something wrong? Did he hurt him? No, that’s impossible he thought.

“What did you say? What do you mean by that?” Hyunsik sat up and faced Ilhoon waiting for his lover’s answer

“I said let’s stop for a while. I need space Hyung.” Ilhoon cleared.

“Space? Why? What happened? Did I hurt you? Tell me.” Hyunsik is confused right now. So Ilhoon is really trying to break up with him. He couldn’t fathom what’s happening to Ilhoon’s mind all of a sudden.

“No Hyung. It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Fuck Ilhoon!. Don’t you dare use that line to me!” Hyunsik exclaimed. He stood up, went to the veranda and picked up his cigarette pack and lighter. He brought the cigarette to his lips, light it up with his shaking hand. Probably, partly due to the cold weather but mostly because of the feelings he has right now. He’s angry and his mind is a mess. Did his lover fell out of love in one night?  He inhaled as much as he can. Soon, his chest is filled with smoke as well as the pain from Ilhoon’s words. It kept ringing in his ears.

“Let’s stop this. Fuck Jung Ilhoon, what kind of shit is this.” He screamed in his mind. When he exhaled he hoped that as he let out the smoke, the pain will come out from his chest too, but it won’t. It fucking won’t.

Ilhoon went out to the veranda too to check on Hyunsik. He knows his decision surprised the other. It made him angry, he perfectly knows that. Hyunsik had stopped smoking but whenever he’s agitated he turns to cigarette to ease the feeling. Today too, he had put Hyunsik to a difficult situation, but he insisted to himself that he had to this. Ilhoon settled to Hyunsik’s side and stared at him.

“Hyung, please talk to me.” Ilhoon pleaded. Hyunsik turned to face him and stared at him for a while.

“What do you want to talk about Ilhoon? What you want from me is bullshit. Why are you doing this?” Hyunsik put down his cigarette in the ashtray and held Ilhoon’s hand.

“Don’t you love me anymore, baby?” “Have you found anyone new? Are you cheating behind my back?” Hyunsik cupped Ilhoon’s face.

“Just tell me. I’ll forgive you, you know that right?” Ilhoon was taken aback by Hyunsik’s words. He know very well that the other means what he said and that’s just how he loves him so much which only made him feel worse. He doesn’t deserve this kind of love.

“This is exactly the reason Hyunsik. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you. You are always this much to me but I can’t be the same to you. Just.. just give me space please. I need to clear my mind. I beg you.” Ilhoon removed Hyunsik’s hands and returned inside the room and prepared to leave. He left Hyunsik dumbfounded.

Hyunsik didn’t get a proper explanation. There are a lot of questions in his mind, yet Ilhoon didn’t even gave him a clear answer. He just begged for space.

“Space for what? Am I too much? After 5 years of being together did our relationship became suffocating? I thought everything’s fine and perfect for us. How could you just let go?” These are the questions left unanswered in Hyunsik’s mind. Until then, Hyunsik will wait. Until then, he knows he will love him just the same.

 

A/N: This is my very first smut. I find it really hard to write a smut, please forgive me. But I hoped you enjoyed it. Please do leave a comment if you enjoyed it. =)


	3. Like A Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It could have been one of those lazy days in Hyunsik’s life but fate has a different plan this time.

It could have been one of those lazy days in Hyunsik’s life but fate has a different plan this time.

3:00 – 3:30 PM: Struggle to wake up

3:30 – 3:55 PM: Stare at the ceiling where a mural of a big blue moon surrounded by constellations can be seen.

3:55 – 4:00 PM: Try to find his pair of slippers under the bed, but always end up finding the left one only. He suddenly thought he haven’t seen the right one for a month now.

4:00 – 4:15 PM: Light up a cigarette and torment his lungs. He barely sings now, most of the time he’s just composing songs. He used to sing lullabies every night, but he had stopped since the last full moon.

4:15 – 4:30 PM: Stare at his phone, expecting for someone to finally remember him, but fails every single day.

4:30 – 5:30 PM: Browse the TV channels, from time to time stopping on cartoon channels. “He love this kangaroo” then changed the channel again. He soon found another cartoon “He once wore a Tigger onesie, he was cute then… he still is”.

5:30 – 6:00 PM: Cook 2 portions of ramen forgetting he’s supposed to cook 1 only. Ends up eating not even half and throwing the rest, every single night.

6:00 – 10:00 PM: In his studio, he’s been trying to compose new songs but he barely made a single song for the entire month. Even if he had re-arranged it a hundred times, it still sounds like crap to him.

10:00 – 11:00 PM: Walk outside, try to breathe natural air. He can feel his lungs suffering, now that he’s been filling his apartment with cigarette smoke every day.

Just like the past weeks, it’s always been like this. Hyunsik’s life reached the deep bottom. He feels like the world stopped, since that day Ilhoon chose to leave. “Hyung, let’s stop for a while” it still rings in his mind. The painful words of his lover. “For a while” A month without his lover is certainly not “a while” to him. He feels like he haven’t seen him for years already. Even though he still sees him in TV as a guest of some popular variety shows, sometimes he listens to him in the radio. Even if he wanted to forget at least for a moment, he can see his face everywhere specially outside his apartment where one building has his lover’s face in the billboard.

After walking outside, he was supposed to go back to his apartment to continue what he left in his studio. While on his way, he bumped into one of their members. Maybe fate is trying to help him in his life through a friend who he badly needs now. It’s Eunkwang, their leader, his best hyung. Eunkwang visited a friend who’s living in the same area. Both men were surprised to see each other, not that they haven’t seen each other for a long time, but Hyunsik’s state is really surprising to Eunkwang. His Hyung is just as cheery as ever. He’s wearing a dark brown turtleneck shirt paired with thick black jacket and pants, his hair is still short just like what he had in the military. He decided to keep that hairstyle for a while since the fans loved it. While Hyunsik is looking like shit, wearing a damp shirt, a thin jacket and sweatpants. He’s certainly not at his best state, which he later on regretted because it only made his Hyung worry about him. Eunkwang doesn’t have any idea about what happened to Hyunsik and Ilhoon. However, seeing Hyunsik, it gave him a hint that something’s not right and it is most probably because of Ilhoon. Hyunsik is a strong person. If Eunkwang is the foundation in their group, Hyunsik is the wall. He is the best person to rely on in everything because you will never see him crumble even at the toughest moments in their life as an idol. The members always lean on him whenever they feel discouraged and hurt because of their career. He’s built that image to other people. But everyone has weakness and for Hyunsik, that’s Ilhoon. Eunkwang knows it. Hyunsik often shares to Eunkwang whenever he and Ilhoon have misunderstandings. Only then can Eunkwang see a weak Hyunsik, that’s why he is certain that the cause of Hyunsik’s miserable look is Ilhoon.

Eunkwang invited Hyunsik to come with him to a nearby bar so they can catch up. Hyunsik is hesitant at first but later on, he finally gave in to the older’s invitation. The bar suits Hyunsik’s taste, it’s a different bar compared to where he usually go to. The ambiance is peaceful and calming. There’s a live band singing and few groups of people drinking. They managed to settle at the bar counter and ordered their drinks. Hyunsik asked for whiskey on the rocks for himself, while Eunkwang settled for gin & tonic. It was a light conversation at first, latest trends in music, games and places to visit. It is somehow refreshing for Hyunsik to talk to someone since he’s locked himself up in his cave for a long time. Soon, the topic about Ilhoon, the very reason why they were here, came in between their chat. Hyunsik started to open up to Eunkwang and tried not to be too emotional, but the alcohol is kicking in specially when he started ordering a stronger “three wise men whiskey”. He can’t even remember how much details he shared to Eunkwang, but he knows whatever it could be, he can trust Eunkwang the most. It was a deep and long conversation that they didn’t even notice how the time passed. Just as Hyunsik suddenly remember to check the time on his phone, he realized that he left it in his apartment. Since Eunkwang is already drunk and they can see the sun slowly rising now, they decided that it’s time to go. The older still have a musical rehearsal in the afternoon.

“Hyunsikaa..” Eunkwang tried to gather his thoughts despite being drunk. “Ilhoon loves you. You know that”

“Yes Hyung. Thank you for today. I’ll see you soon” Hyunsik bid goodbye to Eunkwang, while thinking when he will see the older again and wishes that their next meet will be with Ilhoon.

It’s almost 7 in the morning when Hyunsik finally reached home and the first thing in his mind is to check his phone. He’s not expecting for anyone to contact him, but there’s still a glimmer of hope that Ilhoon will.

Just as he checked his phone, he thought the alcohol is playing with his mind as he can see 10 missed calls from Ilhoon. He got worried right away as he haven’t received any messages or calls from Ilhoon since that day his lover told him that he needed space from their relationship. He can still remember clearly how Ilhoon dropped everything in his face. But now is not the time to reminisce all these, there’s panic and happiness in his mind. The alcohol might be really kicking in his head as he thinks he’s going crazy. He tried to call Ilhoon’s number but he’s not answering so he hurriedly went out and called a cab. While on his way, he thought of the possible reasons why Ilhoon called him last night. He thought something might have happened to Ilhoon for him to call him several times. What if he had met an accident? Or someone might have break in to his apartment? “No, that can’t happen” he thought. What if Ilhoon called to tell him that he still loves him? That he wants him back? “Now, that’s better” Happiness started creeping in Hyunsik’s heart. He waited for this moment. He couldn't wait to see Ilhoon. 

As soon as he arrived, he ran towards the elevator and pressed the 10th floor button. He’s getting impatient as the elevator’s taking too much time to arrive in his chosen floor. While waiting, he’s thinking how he should approach Ilhoon. Shall he hug him or just wave at him? Will he be happy to see him? Soon, he arrived on the 10th floor and went straight to Ilhoon’s apartment unit, 1004. He rang the doorbell several times but no one answered which made him worry again. He knows Ilhoon should be at home now, even if they no longer talk to each other he’s well aware of its schedule because of their manager. Ilhoon’s not the type to sleepover in his friend’s house too. He decided to just unlock the door so he can finally enter the apartment and end his worries. He can still remember Ilhoon’s passcode and hoped that he didn’t change it yet. 0307, and it worked! He’s so glad that Ilhoon kept his birthday as his passcode. There’s a tiny bit of hope building in his mind again. Once he entered, he realized the apartment is still the same, he can see from the door that the furniture are as it is, the mural he made in Ilhoon’s wall is there, glad that Ilhoon did not repaint his wall. But as he was about to remove his shoes, he noticed a familiar pair of shoes that is not Ilhoon’s. He’s sure who it belongs to but he can’t think of any reason why it would be there. Even if this guest visited Ilhoon, why would it be here at this hour? Why would Sungjae be here? 

He came to the living room, there’s no sign of life in there. There’s no one at the kitchen too. His heartbeat is raising, speculations are filling his mind and paranoia is creeping in. He can feel his body heat turning up. He has two choices, he can just leave and return later or he can check the bedroom if Ilhoon is there. However, the thought of Ilhoon in the bedroom and finding out that he's with that guy scared the hell out of him. He tried to calm himself down, tried to think for the best thing to do. He walked towards the bedroom with his little hope that everything will be fine. He slightly opened the door and peek in. Through the small space he can see clothes on the floor, the bedsheet in a mess too. His eyes searched for his lover, and he found him. 

There, on top of the bed he saw Ilhoon lying naked and beside him is a man. The man he had known for a long time. The man he treated as his own brother. Yet, the same man who once rivaled him for Ilhoon’s heart. The memories creeped back in. His heart is sore, it starts to get numb. “How could this happen?” “What did I do to deserve this?” His rage took over and now he realized, he loved Ilhoon like a fool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my friend, Aci, for her contribution in this chapter. =)


	4. When It Rains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And when the storm starts in your heart...

Hyunsik found Ilhoon and Sungjae lying on bed. Ilhoon is lying on his back, naked and sleeping soundly. While Sungjae is shirtless, lying face down, head turned to Ilhoon’s direction, his face is quite close to Ilhoon’s and his arm resting on top of the older’s chest. Hyunsik felt a sudden rush of blood, he can feel the pang in his chest. “How could they do this to me” he thought. Jaw clenched as well as his fist. Hyunsik tried to rationalize but couldn’t think of anything. His rage taking over him. He wanted to scream, wanted to kill. He slammed the door open which made the two men lying wake up in surprise. Ilhoon was shocked to see Hyunsik in his room. He haven’t seen the man for a month now and this is certainly not the time he wants to see him specially when he realized that he’s naked and beside him is Sungjae. Sungjae woke up soon after Ilhoon but since he’s facing Ilhoon’s direction he did not realize that there’s a pair of raging eyes focused on him. He noticed Ilhoon’s terrified look and was about to ask the reason for it when he was suddenly grabbed and pulled outside. Hyunsik dragged Sungjae out of the bedroom not minding the bruises it will cause to the other’s body from hitting the door and wall. Ilhoon on the other side was on panic. He can’t move and he can’t think clearly. His knees are weak and his hands are trembling. Until he heard Hyunsik’s scream from outside. He quickly get on his feet and grabbed the robe hanging in his closet to cover his naked body.

In the living room, anyone who would see the state of the place will say that the world war has begun again. Not far from the bedroom, two men can be seen fighting, their bodies have scratches, wounds and blood. Sungjae tried to explain to Hyunsik at first but the older didn’t give him a chance, instead, his fist landed on Sungjae’s face making the nose bleed instantly. The younger fell on the floor and struggled to get up but Hyunsik is faster and threw another punch to Sungjae’s face. The blow made Sungjae dizzy, everything seem to turn around and he wanted to throw up. Despite his state, Sungjae was able to gather his strength to pull Hyunsik’s clothes and grab him by his collar. The older fell on the ground this time and Sungjae used the chance to hit back to Hyunsik. He threw punches to Hyunsik. He let out all his suppressed feelings, his jealousy, frustration, his disappointment and failures. Tears started to fill his eyes and soon fell. The youngest remembered all the memories they had when they were younger. When everything seemed to be fun only. Their brotherhood, their promises that their friendship will never be broken, that they will always be strong. Everything seem to blur now. His hands are getting numb.

When Ilhoon went out of the room, he couldn’t believe the chaos the two men made in his living room. Broken glasses everywhere, the furniture in disarray, everything’s a mess. The sound of hard punches, bodies struggling, curses and scream caught his attention and there he witnessed the two men trying to kill each other. Sungjae on top of Hyunsik, he can clearly see the blood and wounds all over Sungjae’s body, his face is not any better. There’ll be a lot of explaining to do with their company once they see Sungjae’s condition. Lying under Sungjae is Hyunsik. His lover's state is not that bad but he can see blood in its face as well. Ilhoon rushed where the two men are, grabbed Sungjae and flung him far from Hyunsik.

Sungjae’s body hit the edge of the end table when Ilhoon threw him. It only worsen his wounds but more than the body pain he can feel, what hurts him more is to see Ilhoon kneeling beside Hyunsik, crying. It breaks his heart, why he always have to see this side of Ilhoon. Ilhoon is a strong person but is always weak for Hyunsik. Ilhoon who’s full of pride gets all stupid when it comes to Hyunsik. Once again, Sungjae was set aside. He too, is bleeding. He too, is hurt. But still, Ilhoon chose Hyunsik. As always.

He get up to his feet, not wanting to witness the heartbreaking scene anymore. He gathered all his strength to walk towards the bedroom and grab his shirt lying on the floor. He didn’t even have the chance to wash the blood on his body. He struggled to wear his shirt as it stings every time it touches his skin. As he went out of the room, he saw Ilhoon trying to carry Hyunsik to the couch. He decided to just leave but when he’s about to grab the door, Ilhoon called and came to him.

“Jae.. I know you’re not okay. Even if I want you to stay to help you with your wounds, you know it’ll be better for you to leave.. I’m sorry” Ilhoon apologized, looking down to his feet not wanting to see the hurt in Sungjae’s face.

The younger just smirked and tried to laugh sarcastically but the wounds in his face made it hard to do so.

“It’s okay. I’m used to it. It’s not these little wounds I need to heal. These will be gone in few days. But, the wound in our friendship caused by what happened today might take some time before it heals.” Sungjae, knowing that the long-time friendship has now been stained with resentment, couldn’t help but feel regretful for everything that has happened today. If he just left yesterday, he wouldn’t need to strip Ilhoon naked. Then he wouldn’t be tempted to kiss him. He wouldn’t be tempted to hug him. He wouldn’t have fell asleep cuddling Ilhoon.

“Sungjae…” Ilhoon hesitated.

“Sungjae… did.. did something.. what hap….”Ilhoon can’t find the right words to ask.

“No.. nothing happened." Sungjae revealed. "Even if I die wishing, we both know nothing will happen.”

There’s a moment of silence between the two. Ilhoon doesn't know how to respond. How could he be such a fool for not realizing that Sungjae still have the same feelings for him even after 7 years. Suddenly, they heard movements in the living room, they know it’s Hyunsik and it’s best for Sungjae to just leave quickly or they’ll have another round of world war.

“I better go now.” And Sungjae left Ilhoon who’s feeling guilty of everything. Blaming himself for being so weak. For being a stupid fool. What Sungjae told him is true. They have broken their brotherhood promise. He feel ashamed of himself and he just want to hurt himself. This is all his fault. How can he face the other members now, knowing that he’s the cause of all this.

 Just then Ilhoon felt pain on his feet not realizing that he had stepped on the broken glasses. He noticed the blood stains on the floor.

Despite his wounds, he went to the living room where he left Hyunsik. He found him sitting on the couch. Head resting on his palm, must be feeling all the pain from the blows he received from Sungjae. His clothes stained with blood. Ilhoon sat beside Hyunsik, hesitating to touch the other.

“Sikkie.. I…” Ilhoon tried to say something but he’s at lost for words.

“Ilhoon.. why?” Hyunsik finally asked. His heart is full pain. His lungs seem to lose all air, he can’t breathe. His body is shaking. His anger is still crawling up his veins. He asked Ilhoon why, but he’s not really sure if he wanted to know the answer, if he wanted to hear the lies that Ilhoon might give to him. Worse, Ilhoon might tell him the truth. The truth that he doesn’t love him anymore. At least that’s what he thought.

Hyunsik’s tears fell. His heart can’t bear it any longer. He wanted to be strong. He doesn’t want to show how a failure he is, but he couldn’t. Just then, it started to rain. It’s raining heavily. In the past, rain only brings him happy memories but now it will only remind him of this moment when his heart was completely shattered. He knows, the feelings will never be the same, when it rains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fanfic is originally 4 chapters but ideas keep flooding my mind so I had to make it longer. Please continue to support this fic and let me know your thoughts too. Thanks!!


	5. Running into Breakup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I met the break up and lost love  
> I met the break up and erased my memories  
> I met you and I was so happy  
> I was happy but it’s no more  
> I can’t see or touch you anymore  
> In the end, we met our breakup  
> The sin of knowing you, the sin of loving you  
> The sin of loving you more than anyone else.  
> -Running into Breakup

“Ilhoon.. why?!” a question that has been lingering on Hyunsik’s mind from the moment he saw Ilhoon and Sungjae lying on bed, had finally slipped from his lips. The pang in his chest creeping all throughout his body. His hand placed where the pain is coming from, hoping to ease it but then the sensation stays. Blood flowing vigorously in his vein, his heart is beating too fast, wanting to come out, to run away, but nothing he can do. Not far from Hyunsik, Ilhoon is lost in his thoughts. He tried to remember what exactly happened, but he can’t recall anything from the night before. He heard his lover’s question but he doesn’t have any answer which only made Hyunsik more furious.

“What the fuck Ilhoon! Is this what you wanted when you asked some space? To fuck another man?”

Completely engulfed of the thought that Ilhoon cheated on him. The thought of Ilhoon caressed by another man, not just another man but Sungjae. He treated him like his own brother. Despite the fact that the other man loved his Ilhoon, he set that aside because he trusted them. The trust they broke.

Hyunsik’s body is shaking because of anger, tears falling down and his knees getting all weak. He hastily stood up, hands fisted. His clouded mind lost his sense of control as he grabbed the first thing his hand can reach, his favorite guitar lying in Ilhoon’s living room. He grabbed his precious possession and hit the window glass nearest to him.

Ilhoon jolted when Hyunsik suddenly smashed his window and he saw how the broken glasses flew in the air and gradually fell on the surface spreading on the floor. He’s still in shock that he didn’t notice that a piece of broken glass flew in his direction and scratched his arm causing it to bleed. He only realized it when he felt the pain in his arm and saw that it is bleeding.

Upon noticing his wound, his tears start to trickle and he tried to stop the blood while holding his arm with another. Hyunsik is terrified when he realized that he had hurt Ilhoon. He quickly dropped the guitar and approached his lover. Though he tried to tend to the wound, the younger just nudged him.

“I.. I’m sorry Ilhoon.. I didn’t mean to...” Hyunsik is sorry yet angry. It’s a roller coaster of feeling now.

 “You should go now” Ilhoon turned away.

Hyunsik left the couch and went to Ilhoon’s bedroom to get the first aid kit they’ve been keeping in the drawer. While entering, he halted for a moment when he saw the bed. It suddenly flashed back to him when he saw Ilhoon sleeping naked beside Sungjae. He looked down and shut his eyes as if to erase all the things he saw. When he opened his eyes, he immediately walked towards the drawer and took the kit with him.

When he came back, Ilhoon is still in the couch holding his arm while his head lolled back onto the couch cushion.

“I told you to leave”

“Let me see your wound”

“What’s your problem??! Just leave me! You don’t need to do this anymore!”

Hyunsik is slightly dumbfounded but he knew Ilhoon too well. The younger is acting brat because he’s hurt. He ignored him and grabbed his arm instead and started cleaning the wound. He put on ample amount of antiseptic in the wound and covered it with gauze.

“Don’t move, it will bleed again.”

Ilhoon, though still unsure of what really happened last night, felt guilty. How could Hyunsik still care for him even after what happened? He can’t even look at his face, he’s ashamed of himself. On the other side, Hyunsik is staring at him. His eyes wandered in his lover’s face. He noticed that the younger lost weight as its jawline is getting sharper again. He noticed the small earring and how it slightly dangles in every movement. His big eyes, his nose and perfect lips which he loves to kiss. It’s been a while since he felt the warmth of this lips. How sweet it is each time. Despite his anger, he can’t deny that he still love Ilhoon with his whole heart. He can forgive him a thousand times because he’s the only one for him. Ilhoon is his life. Nobody can say otherwise.

Ilhoon felt the gaze of his lover, he suddenly get up from the couch and was about to leave when Hyunsik grabbed his hand and stood. He pulled Ilhoon closer to him and cupped his face. He leaned his forehead to the younger, now their noses touching and their lips centimeters apart. There’s a sudden heat rising in Ilhoon’s body. He had long for Hyunsik’s touch, his warmth, his smell against his skin. Many nights he prayed that Hyunsik still loves him and he will still be able to hold him again, someday. Without him knowing, Hyunsik is feeling the same, the same heat, the same longing. Their feelings are still mutual. They stayed leaning to each other for the longest time not saying anything. Hyunsik tried not to shed tears but he is once again betrayed by his own emotion, in his low broken voice he managed to break the silence.

“I’m going to forget everything. Just.. just come back to me”

“Hyunsik..”

“I beg you, Ilhoon... I can’t.. live like this.”

Ilhoon’s tears streaming down his face now. He doesn’t deserve this. He loves Hyunsik, but he’s not good enough for him. Hyunsik deserve more.

“Sik, I cannot…” Even before he finishes, Hyunsik stopped him by owning his lips. He felt the warmth of his lips, the heat building in his inside, he must admit, he missed this. He closed his eyes as he decide to savor this moment. He can’t deny that even if he’s telling himself he doesn’t deserve him, Hyunsik is the only man he loved and he couldn’t imagine himself being touched by someone else. Maybe it’s his mind who’s really messing up with him. He could have chosen to live peacefully with the man in front of him but he chose to run away, chose to hurt him. This man who did nothing but shower him with love since then. The man who’s willing to forgive him and forget everything that has happened.

But this is not a fairytale, this is real. He can’t fool himself that they’ll have a happy ending. Ilhoon pulled away from the kiss and stepped back, made sure he created enough distance between them so he won’t be able to easily grab him back. He needs to be strong on his own. He closed his eyes and squeezed his fist as if to gather all his strength into his hand, “I can’t do this Hyunsik. You need to leave”

Hyunsik, unable to comprehend the situation when Ilhoon had let him kiss him and now he’s telling him to leave. He can only think of one thing, Ilhoon is in love with someone else.

“Why? Do you love him??” he inquired.

“What? No!” Ilhoon answered rather quickly.

“SO YOU JUST WANT TO FUCK HIM? Is that it?” Hyunsik is now frustrated.

“IM HYUNSIK! Do you really think I can do that to you? With Sungjae??” Ilhoon yelled and turned his back to him. His mind is still in chaos, he can break down any minute but he doesn’t want to be weak in Hyunsik’s eyes. Not anymore. Hyunsik approached Ilhoon, grab him by his arm and turned the younger to face him, momentarily forgetting about the wound he just treated. Ilhoon winced a little, his wound bled again.

“Then why? Why did you sleep with him? Why were you naked? Why can’t you answer me? Why can’t you just come back to me?”

“I DON’T KNOW!”I really don’t know! I can’t even remember what happened last night. We were drunk.. and.. and the last thing I remember… the last thing..” Ilhoon tried to remember and it suddenly clicked in his memory. He saw Sungjae stripping him. He saw him staring at his body. He felt Sungjae’s lips. But he cannot remember anything after that. He must have fell asleep.

“What? What do you remember? Tell me.” Hyunsik now curious what really happened at the same time his mind is starting to allege that Sungjae took advantage of drunk Ilhoon. His anger is starting to build up again.

As if Ilhoon can read Hyunsik’s mind, “Sungjae told me that nothing happened” he defended.

“Do you want me to believe that? We both know he loved you, and by the looks of him I can see he still do. Why would he let go of that chance?” Hyunsik inquired but sounded more of accusing.

“I trust him. I.. I know he won’t do that” Though doubtful, Ilhoon chose to trust Sungjae’s words.

They were silent for a moment, while Hyunsik took a sit in the couch. His palms covering his face while resting his head back.

“Then why won’t you come back to me?”

Ilhoon sat beside Hyunsik and took his hands, eager to make him understand his point.

“Hyunsik, can’t you see I’m no good for you. All I did is hurt you and drag you down”

“How are you dragging me down? You’re the only reason I keep on going. You know I’m living for you”

“Exactly! It’s always me. How about you? You need to have your own life, you deserve more. Do things without me”

Hyunsik cannot believe Ilhoon’s words. He’s really pushing him away. He cannot understand the need to be far from each other. The need to experience things without the other.

“Don’t you love me anymore, Ilhoon?”

“I.. love you. I always do.”

“You do? You always do? That’s why you’re pushing me away? Can you even imagine the hell I’m facing every day without you beside me?” Hyunsik pulled away from Ilhoon’s grip. As soon as he wiped his tears, another tear fell down. There’s no end to it.

“I always wake up in the afternoon feeling empty and return to bed the next morning feeling just the same. The moon we painted on my bedroom ceiling only reminds me of you. I couldn’t find the other half of my slipper because you used to hide it and laugh at me while giving it back. I’m smoking again because the thought of you makes me anxious, whether you’re awake already, how was your day, did you sleep well. I no longer care about my voice, fuck that. No one’s going to listen to my lullabies anyway. Even cartoons remind me of you how was that possible? I never got used to cook for one, because you were always there. And the worst, the only thing that I thought would at least relieve the pain, the thing we both love the most. I’ve been working on 1 song. Just 1 damn song, but I couldn’t even finish it because it sounded crap to me, as crap as me right now. A loser. Now do you realize how much pain I’m enduring every day? I told myself it will be okay someday. Someday when we meet again and you realized that it’s still me you wanted. I’m willing to wait no matter how long, because I love you Ilhoon. I love you so much, but it’s been really, really painful now. I don’t know if I…” Hyunsik can no longer hold it back, soon he is weeping.  Ilhoon wanted to comfort him. He wanted to take back everything he said that caused Hyunsik’s pain. He hates to see Hyunsik like this but his stubborn mind is telling him not to be yielded by his emotion. He chose not to touch him, he chose not to go back to his arms. He just wished his mind is right, that this is for the best. There’s a pang in his chest but he fought hard to hide it.

“I need this Hyunsik, we need this.” The only words Ilhoon managed to say.

Hyunsik cannot handle the pain anymore, soon he felt nothing. The emptiness filling his soul. The world he once cherished is now crumbling at his feet without warning, without anything to hold on.

He got up to his feet, prepared to leave and walked towards the door without saying anything. Ilhoon followed him to the door. Just as he grabbed the door handle, he stopped for a moment. He still have things to say to Ilhoon, but doesn’t have the strength to say everything. He stayed silent for a while, Ilhoon is still behind him contemplating.

 “Hyunsik, I’m not the only thing in your life. You have your family. You have your career and friends“

“Nothing else matters to me Ilhoon. When you left me, the world stopped turning.”

“Sik.. you know the world will never stop.”

“But you did. You are my world, Ilhoon.”

That was the last thing Ilhoon heard as Hyunsik left him. The world turned dark and silent. The world full of pain, now fallen. Nobody knows. Nobody’s coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to apologize as it turned really, really sad. i guess it reflects the writer's emotions right now. It took me a long time to write this as there are so many things happening in BTOB. 
> 
> Anyway, the next chapter will conclude everything. What happened to Ilhoon? What will be his final decision?


End file.
